In a surprise move, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo commandeered the Cannabis Regulators Association (CANNRA) to immediately legalize cannabis in all 51 states, unleashing a wave of creative activity to avert climate catastrophe.
Success secured by striking a deal to legalize cannabis in the State of New York, Governor Andrew Cuomo walked out on a veranda, lit a Leira Cannagar from the Evergreen State, and contemplated his next move. Inspired by the bidden creative flow purposefully invoked to assist him in his time of need, Cuomo called on his spiritual guides for assistance: "How do I help save the human species with the assistance of Cannabis?"
Standing there, puffing rings across the Milky Way, he felt a sense of the smallness of his existence, his brevity, his helplessness hurtling along on an accretion of matter in a galaxy far away from all others. He felt the pandemic mask in his pocket, sensed unsettling waves of fear rippling across the population driven by algorithms and near-realtime communication. He felt burdened - but also an exhilaration at opportunity, the power he held in this moment to effect change.
He focused and asked again, "How do I help save the human species with the assistance of this plant?"
Santa Maria came forth. He listened, then he called.
"Norm, it's time."
Elsewhere in near-earth orbit, Norman Birenbaum, appointed Director of Cannabis Programs for the State of New York, acknowledged receipt of his governor’s signal and turned to his hat rack. Hanging up a standard issue State of New York hardhat, he admiringly picked up a chapeau of his own design worn by his brothers in cannabis regulation in fifty-one states. Smiling, he adorned the headgear of the Cannabis Regulators Association (CANNRA, previously Regulators of the Round Table).
Dragging a draft, he group texted a Microsoft Teams link to his innerest of inner circles, some of the oldest cannabis regulators in the United States. One by one, the CANNRA leaders projected their corporeal representations into the virtual space, said "can you hear me," and remembered to mute.
Birenbaum began, "It’s time, my brothers. Everything is in place and going perfectly according to plan. Where before we had a patchwork of state cannabis regulations and an archaic, white supremacist federal cannabis policy coddled by geriatric inadequacy - tomorrow we will achieve REGULATORY CERTAINTY using the best legislatively legalized cannabis program in the history of mankind!” He paused: “The New York Method!"
Several attendees unmuted to groan approval and nod eyebrows. The more laid back State of Nevada Cannabis Compliance Board (CCB) Executive Director and CANNRA Secretary Treasurer Tyler Klimas attempted an elbow bump with his Teams gallery view neighbor.
Empire-ically, Birenbaum seized the moment: "Under the authority you have granted to CANNRA over cannabis policy in each of your states---signed in secret when your agencies joined our association---I order you to implement the New York Method in each of your jurisdictions...effective immediately!"
Feigning villainy, he superfluously added, “And because our Oregon-registered 501(c)(4) nonprofit is immune from the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) and its pesky state counterparts like the Washington State Public Records Act (PRA, RCW 42.56) - the people will never know better! Mua-ha-ha-ha!"
Colorado Marijuana Enforcement Division (MED) Director and CANNRA Second Vice President Jim Burack resigned immediately, not even waving goodbye before logging out.
Washington State Liquor and Cannabis Board (WSLCB) Director and CANNRA First Vice President Rick Garza squinted a "hmmm" before remarking, "And that's why he was the Second Vice President." He appeared to shoot a look at an inscrutable location among his screens.
Michigan Marijuana Regulatory Agency (MRA) Director and CANNRA Third Vice President Andrew Brisbo raised an Anxious Face with Sweat emoji.
Due to the magical efficiency of the cannabis bureaucracies and their surprising capacity to not be bound by statute, THE VERY NEXT DAY, everyone in the United States was informed that cannabis had been legalized and they were free to go about their freedom.
While records from this time remain hazy as to how many people bothered calling in to say they planned to work from home another day during the pandemic, it is known that a goodly portion of people got online, ordered multiple shipments of Evergreen State Raven grass, and thereafter got to work being creative, happy, and fulfilled.
Public health bureaucrats rejoiced as tobacco smokers crinkled up their last shrinkwrap and instead chose to support their local, vertically integrated, equity-licensed craft cannabis cooperative; alcoholics poured out their Budweisers and vowed never to buy Altria weed; and prescription opioid users gave a sigh of relief that health insurance companies had instead decided to subsidize cannabis purchases without a deductible. Everyone became musicians.
The radical shift in the global political economy created by United States-based firms distributing the finest cannabis products the world had ever smoked through adoption of regenerative, organic growing practices to express sophisticated and diverse cannabis cultivars created untold wealth by publicly distributing funds raised to enfranchise those most oppressed and specifically targeted by purveyors of the war against people who used what we used to call drugs. The resulting cultural resurgence and vigorous post-pandemic human aweness caught the Earth unprepared, and slightly jealous.
The Earth had been trundling along on its epic quest oblivious to changes in air temperature and climate temperament embodied in its wisp of atmosphere encaged by magnetic force of turning planetcore hurtling through the cosmos amongst a dance of sister and brother orbs following the sun.
The atmosphere changed as it always changed million upon million years or so, but one species had grown impatient. It wanted things to change faster, apparently, and the Earth could not figure out why.
To figure out why, the Earth called upon its guardians, the humans - coincidentally, the same species that had grown impatient with the rate of climate change. Seeing that the legalization of cannabis was proceeding nicely, the Earth requested consenting humans to light up some cannabis anytime between 4/20 and Earth Day and blow copious smoke in its general direction. These were easy instructions to follow because its general direction was literally all directions.
The Earth soaked in the cannabinoids. It relished the many terpene tastes and flavors, admired the smooth and the harsh, and encouraged the endocannabinoid systems of its many children to flourish and rebalance towards more appropriate levels of stability and homeostasis as genetically intended. The Earth felt healthier and happier.
Coincidentally, the Earth's request had the beneficial side effect of provoking unprecedented self-reflection amongst its guardians, resulting in life-changing decisions amongst a sufficient cohort as to alter the species' future.
By this time, CANNRA had supplanted the United Nations (UN) as the primary governing body of humanity, and the brotherhood of regulators voted to cancel the climate catastrophe. While previous ice ages had been useful for strengthening the bond between the cannabis plant and the human species as well as creating geographic conditions conducive to hemp cultivars, the current generation of humanity decided it no longer needed to speed headlong into climate change before finalizing a treaty with the King of Mars Elon Musk to terraform his planet to cultivate Cannabis martius for subsequent sale across the vast Milky Way marketplace.